It is crazy how many times I've sat down to write this post and then changed my mind and decided not to write. I finally feel like I'm ready to start moving on. This week we are moving back to Cleveland and leaving our sweet southern home that we've lived in for the past 9 months. This week will bring new beginnings, and it's bittersweet.
The past 2 months have been the hardest of my life! On New Year's Eve I found out I was pregnant. Casey and I were so excited because we'd been trying for a while and it was an exciting start to a New Year. At the end of January I started getting really sick. I wasn't sick at all when I was pregnant with Carly and Holland and this pregnancy totally threw me off. I didn't just feel sick I was bleeding off and on and even though multiple ultrasounds showed no issues I was constantly worried. At this same time we got a surprise call from Casey's boss saying that we needed to move in a month back to Ohio. We weren't expecting to move until at least the summer and this threw all my plans off. Marion, Arkansas was my home now and I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave my friends, Carly's preschool, our nice house, and the warm weather. I started having panic attacks on top of all my pregnancy sickness, and I felt like I didn't have control over anything. We couldn't even find a decent house in Cleveland! My weight dropped 16 pounds in 3 weeks, which may be a good thing but not if you're pregnant. I told my Dr. and she wasn't worried, she said I'd feel better after the first trimester, and since the baby was measuring exactly on track at 12 weeks everything was normal. I was still a stressed out mess. I even passed out at my Dr.'s office when they tried to draw my blood because my blood sugar was so low. At the end of February Casey went out of town for 3 days to look for places to live in Cleveland. Those were the longest, hardest days of my life! And my sweet friend Jessie was an angel and got me through those hard days even though she doesn't even know it! The morning after Casey got home I woke up and was bleeding pretty heavy. I knew I was having a miscarriage. I called my Dr. and she said to come in and get an ultrasound. Little Holland came with me and sat quietly and perfectly on the chair beside me not knowing one bit what was going on. She was my angel there taking care of me. The Dr. and a student just stared at the screen. It was obvious there wasn't a heart beat. I was devastated. I thought I had caused this. Whenever I heard that someone had had a miscarriage before I felt really bad for them but I figured that since miscarriages happened so often it couldn't be that sad, right? Wrong, it stinks big time! I was pregnant for 12 weeks, and that sweet little baby helped me get through each day that I felt stressed and sick. When I found out that my baby had died I wondered why on earth did I have to deal with all this right now!? When it rains it pours. I scheduled a D&C and the day after it I felt an overwhelming amount of peace. I knew that I wasn't supposed to have a baby on September 10th.
During this hard time Casey and I have had so much love and support from family and friends. Whenever I would start feeling extra bad for myself it seemed like someone would call to talk. I have been so grateful for all of you who have just listened and commiserated with me. During this time I have also learned how important it is to be positive and optimistic. Sure we all know that, but I have really noticed how much better I feel when I realize all the I've been blessed with. There is so much power in having hope. Heavenly Father has blessed me with so much, and I know he answers my prayers. I have never looked forward to going to church each Sunday as much as I have these past 2 months. Whenever I walk in the doors I feel like I enter into a sanctuary of peace! Every talk and lesson that has been given has seemed like it has been for me. I know that Heavenly Father knows us and is there waiting for us to come to him! I am so grateful for my membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the knowledge that I have that I can be with my family forever.
